The Last Mile's The Hardest

This girl's tenacity and determination never fail to awe me. She's a champion.

"How's it going with Oona?" I get asked this a lot. The answer is: "it's complicated."

I look back on the last 10 weeks with a mixture of pride and shock - "yeah, we did this!" And, "Oh my gosh, how are still we doing this?"

To be honest, we're having an especially hard week as I write this, which may be the reason I feel like I need to write, which conflicts me because I don't want to just write when things are bad. I don't want to give the impression that it's ALL been bad. There's been a lot of grace. There's been a lot of incredibly powerful, wonderful lessons learned. There's been some empowerment, and a lot of being broken and humbled.

But there is some bad. Lately, Oona's been suffering a lot, and it's hard to join her in that while not being able to do anything to really help. She can't sleep. We're woken up several times a night to screams of mighty frustration as an itch or cramp tortures her. Sometimes a little soothing gets her back to sleep. Other times it's so bad her body is rigid and tense, and she won't relax for hours. There's a constant wondering of "could we be doing something different to make it better?" To give her ibuprofen with her tylenol or not? Are we doing her pillows the best way? Should we give her the bottle she's demanding that she really doesn't need? Do we let her cry for an hour, or get her up so everyone else in the house can sleep? Matt and I are extremely exhausted, and it brings out the worst in us.

When I'm REALLY tired, I start getting irrational. I feel it creeping up on me, the way you start to feel icky when a cold or flu is coming on. I get jealous of people I love. I get bitter about how unfair things seem. I get snappy and impatient when I should be gentle and understanding. I get extremely anxious that everything important around me is going to fall apart, and it will all be my fault. I start irrationally feeling like everyone is counting on me to meet their needs, and I don't have enough of myself left to give to anyone, and all is hopeless.

We've got 18 days left with the cast. We're in the last stretch, yet these next two and a half weeks feel insurmountable to me in this moment. So I'm trying to be really intentional about inviting Jesus into this weakness, even as my sinfulness and anxiety rapidly try to erect walls of self-dependence in an attempt to keep Him out. Funny after all these years, and all that my brain knows about needing Jesus when we're weak - it's when I'm weak that I seem to continually shut Him out. "It's my problem. I can fix it myself if I do a,b and c..." My heart has a hard time trusting and believing that He'll walk beside me, that He is who He says He is.

18 days left, and I'm trying to embrace them with hope and faith in the promises of God, instead of wishing them away.

Chaos Before Progress

I've been noticing "chaos" is quickly becoming a prominent theme in our life and environment this year.

For instance, there's the chaos that is roadwork-season in Michigan. The whole city feels torn up this summer, with more road work than I've ever noticed going on at one time around here, and to make it worse there are multiple big construction projects going on in town that make their own mess and traffic congestion. It's easy to get frustrated and disgruntled by the mess and traffic, but I recognize that all the chaos is leading to a much improved city that I will doubtlessly enjoy and appreciate in the future.

Then there's the chaos in my mouth - (ha, awkward segue apologies!) I had the worst orthodontic adjustment this morning (a 30 minute appointment turned into a 2 hour appointment, and it was so uncomfortable that I'm dreading the next adjustment already!) I'm back to wearing the super-attractive rubber bands this month as well (sob) and the whole thing has left me feeling really discouraged, as I have at least 6 more months of braces left and it's been a year already of feeling really unattractive and awkward. YET - when I see how much better my teeth look already, I know the chaos is worth enduring, because the result will be so worth it...

...Which reminds me about the chaos in my house. The kitchen remodel, much as we suspected, is going to be a slow, messy, very inconvenient job. It is such a mess, and there's no escaping or hiding it! It is so tempting to get frustrated, ungrateful and irritable about the inconvenience and ugliness of our house right now - YET, I know the hard work and frustration will be more than worth it when eventually the project is done and we're enjoying a bright, fresh kitchen.

I've had all these things on my mind, and I can't help but see the similarities going on in my personal life right now. This season in our family is so chaotic. A 6 year old, 3 year old and 1 year old are so very needy, and need such very different things - all at the same time, too. Husbands and wives are needy too, and it's been increasingly hard to spend time together and cultivate fun and friendship with each other with so much going on all the time. Sometimes I get so frustrated and discouraged. I talk down to myself constantly, that I'm failing in the most precious, important areas of my life. Sometimes I feel like the chaos is too much and I want to just run away. How easy it is to lose perspective, and how naturally comes our inclination to "give up" when things get hard!

The other day Olive was asking me how squirrels see things (don't ask - she's going through a philosophical phase at the moment...) I tried to explain that squirrels see things very close to the ground because they're so small, and things look very differently from our taller perspective. Sometimes I feel I see things like a squirrel, and I wish I saw things more like Jesus. He sees the intricate workings and weavings of past, present and future. He sees the whole story, and I feel like I'll be stuck on the same page in the middle of the book forever.

My conclusions from all this pondering? It's really all worth it, this chaos, and I've got to keep reminding myself of that. The sacrifices being made now will pay off big time down the road, if we continue to endure the hard work at hand.

Simplify / Prioritize

I've been feeling extremely convicted lately to slow down, simplify and prioritize what's truly important to me. I've talked a bit on here before about my struggles with postnatal depression and anxiety. While I'm doing way better now, it still rears its ugly head when things get stressful around here - and things get stressful often! I'll leave it at that. ;) I am searching in and out for ways to make my life less stressful and more joyful.

Minimalism, Kondo-izing, simplicity - all are so trendy right now, but an aesthetic is not what I'm seeking. I'm looking for peace and health in my home and my habits that will transfer to my body and daily life if that makes any sense.

I started today by cutting down my blog reader to just the few that are important to me. I love blogs. LOVE. THEM. They are my escape, an outlet of communication in a world I feel isolated from when I'm stuck at home, and of course they are a huge source of inspiration. But it's all become too much noise lately. I get distracted easily. I become discontent really easily. Something has to change, because in spite of my love of the blogosphere, I think something there has been robbing my joy.

I have plans of limiting internet time to once a week, tightening our budget, and setting big goals in lots of areas of life - eventually. Today was a tiny step. I hope it's the beginning of a successful walk towards a healthier, more joyful life.

Let's Happy Dance For Friday

I don't know where Silas learned to dance like that, but I have re-watched this video more times than I can count in the last week! (With those samba moves, I think he has a future on DWTS! Ha!)

Thanksgiving is coming up this week, and I have so very much to be thankful for. Life is good, but that doesn't mean it's always easy. The last few weeks have been a little rough on me. Bad weather, a bad cold, sick children, moments of feeling sorry for myself (hate those) and strained relationships. Do you ever go through patches where nothing's really wrong, but for whatever reason you just can't communicate and get along with the people you care about the way you really want to? It's weird and frustrating and can make a person feel lonely and out of sorts.

Enough rambling. I'm hoping a quiet weekend with warmer temps, a coffee date with Matt and almost-totally-recuperated children will be just the thing to get me back on track. :) Happy weekend, guys!

#winningatlife

Yesterday was a doozy. (Why does the word doozy sound so weird to me right now. Am I using it properly? Is it even a word??)

Quick backstory to defend myself: we have been majorly busy the last week (month really,) and Oona has been going through one of her notorious sleeping strikes and we are exhausted. 

So with that in mind, yesterday was all kinds of cray-cray from the very start, with Matt having an appointment out of town in the morning. He got back just in time for me to run out to an orthodontist appointment. Then I had another appointment in the next town over right after my adjustment. Run run run. I'm hungry, I'm tired and my teeth are flippin' killin' me.

I finish my last appointment and start rummaging through my purse for my keys...

Yup, locked them in the van. SMH. (I think that means "smacks my head" but I'm old, so I could be waaay-embarrassingly off course...)

I also locked my coat in the van, so of course I immediately felt like I was freezing. And I suddenly had to pee. And I started to hyperventilate that I would be late getting Olive from school. And then I started wheezing realizing that Matt couldn't pick me up because I had the car seats. (I'm only over-dramatizing slightly.)

After a long, long and I do mean long time, I was able to get in touch with my sister who hadn't left for work yet and she agreed to pick me up under the condition that I buy her a coffee. (Good thing I hadn't locked my wallet in the car, geesh.)

Time seems to go by incredibly slowly when you're cold and locked out of your minivan, so I started wandering around downtown Zeeland (trying to look cool and collected and instead looking suspicious and crazy.) I stood and studied this giant pumpkin for an awkwardly long time.

And then I sent about a 100 extremely melodramatic video snapchats to my sister in NC, which I'm sure looked totally normal to passersby.

Then I found a coffee shop. It shares a door with a neighboring store, which took me way too long to realize and I am sure I looked totally normal walking past the storefront 5 times before I figured out the door situation. (SMH again. Unless it doesn't mean what I think it means...)

It was a very nice coffee shop and I decided to treat myself to a cafe miel (latte with cinnamon and honey) but when I asked the sweet barista if she could use soy and not make it as sweet as normal, she looked at me suspiciously and said "is this your first time here?" So of course I related the WHOLE story to her, expecting sympathy and understanding but all I got was an "oh." (I'm pretty sure she was relieved when I finally left. Especially since I remembered just as I was about to walk out that I needed a coffee for Grace too, and ordered another latte.) 

^ Feeling the joy of winning at life. ^

FINALLY Grace came (she got lost on her way over. I kid you not.)

Luckily she cheered up when I gave her the coffee and all was finally well again.

Like I said, it was a doozy (doozie? Doozay??) of a day.

The end.

The Hangover

My kids' faces up there pretty much sum up how I feel about this week.

Not only are we still feeling grumpy about having to say goodbye to my parents and siblings this week, but...

I'm desperately trying to get my house, kids and life back on track after about two straight weeks of company, too many late nights, too much fun, too much ice cream and not enough sleep. I think at this point I've realized I'm probably never going to catch up, and I'm trying to be cool with that, but seriously *yawwwwn.*

I missed Oona's 6 month well checkup...for the second time. I'm pretty sure I'm our doctor's favorite person.

I did remember (in the nick of time) Olive and Silas' first dentist appointments - which happened at the same time. (Silas did a major poop right as the hygienist called us back, in case you wanted to know. And he bit the hygienist's finger. But hey, no cavities! *Happy dance!*)

I've got an ear infection. Whomp-whomp.

^ Even Oona's got a vacation-hangover. ^

Livin' on too much coffee and a prayer over here, and hoping things start getting easier once Olive starts kindergarten in a couple of weeks and life is forced into a more structured routine. 

Oh, and here's a "meh" photo of the cruise ship that docked in Holland last week. It wasn't quite as impressive as the mega-yacht, but it was still exciting to see.

Oh, Weekends

I haven't really decided if I like weekends as much now that I'm mother to three-under-5. They don't really feel that much different than the weekdays. No more sleeping in. Same old weekday morning routine of doling out bowls of Chex, cups of milk and squeeze packs of applesauce while bouncing a crying baby on a hip and trying to shovel in a mouthful of eggs here and there. "Date night" is the fancy term we now use for running out to grocery shop in peace at night without little ones spilling out of the cart. Eh, I know as well as the next person that a day's coming soon where I'll look back on this time and feel all the warm, fuzzy, wistful feelings but for now I'm allowing myself a few minutes of wallowing in a bit of good old whinging, ok? At least until I've had my cup of coffee.

Coffee. Now that's what I look forward to on weekends. Matt runs down the street to Lemonjello's and gets me my favorite black iced coffee that I'm slightly suspicious is laced with crack, because they are that good and addictive and - fine, I'll just lay it all out there: I've gotten one every single day of the week for at least three weeks now and I'm sure Dave Ramsey would give me major stink eye on that one, but - no shame here, Dave. No shame at all. Happy mom = happy family and my iced coffee makes me happy happy happy.

Life, as it is now in all its messiness and noisiness and busyness,  really does make me happy. I'm still getting used to it, and I do have my moments of snarkiness, but really - it's very, very good.

Because I Like To Write Random, Stupid Things Down...

My sweet tooth is out. of. control. And I'm hungry at all hours of the day. I am trying to balance the sugar out with solid, protein packed, whole-food meals but...candy.

And speaking of candy, Oh Henry bars are far superior to Snickers but I can not tell you why this is so.  It just IS. I can only find Oh Henry bars in Michaels craft stores, which makes them that more mysterious and want-worthy. Good Lord, I can not wait for this baby to be on the outside and to not be pregnant anymore.

Olive has been making Christmas lists for everyone in the family, and they are obviously hilarious. She has declared, among other things, that Silas needs a toy fruit salad, Matt needs coffee and socks and Auntie Grace needs more beautiful necklaces and ear rings. She also told me Grandma and Grandpa are buying all this stuff with money that they will get from the money store, which is a relief to me because we don't have money stores here in MI.

It snowed today, and I am realizing I need to just give up and enjoy it for what it is, because winter in MI is long, and unfortunately is only just the beginning of November.

Lately Silas throws a fit anytime Matt shows me any affection. He literally comes up and shoves himself between us and pushes us apart. If Matt gives me a hug, Silas needs a hug. If Matt gives me a kiss, Silas cries and demands a kiss. It's kind of funny and maybe even flattering in a weird, egotistical way because I've never had a guy be jealous over me. Though I'm pretty sure it's not going to be so cute when the jealousy turns toward the new baby in a couple of months. 

We've been studying in Philippians about being joyful in all things, and doing all things without murmurings or complaining, but... SO HUGE and uncomfortable. And I'm starting to think that more than the baby is at play here. (Candy.) You know it's getting bad when maternity doesn't even fit comfortably anymore. 7 more weeks!

Also, Grand Rapids' Forever 21 mirrors are the worst! All store mirrors are NOT equal. (I am fond of Target's and TJ Maxx's myself.) And why am I even entering a Forever 21 at 33 weeks pregnant? Because I am stupid. (And also because my sister wanted to go in and I had to give moral support.) 

Hello September

I've been quiet here because we have been busy with company and recovering from the holiday weekend. We had the best Labor Day, with some of our most favorite people. Lovely weather, lots of walks and some very late nights playing games into the wee hours of morning (Ticket to Ride and Dominion are new favorites.)

It really feels like fall now up here, and I'm starting to let go of of my tight grip on summer and welcome the new season with a little more grace. What feels the most different in Holland is the sudden disappearance of tourists. Things just got a lot more quiet and it's so nice.

We are counting down the days till our trip back to WV next week. I'm so so excited to see family, friends and old familiar haunts.

To be totally honest, I've re-written this post at least 3 times because each time I realized I was complainig too much about how miserable I've been feeling, physically and emotionally. I feel I've morphed into this extra large, awkward, achey monster who finds herself laughing or crying uncontrollably at really embarrassing, awkward times. As good as it feels to vent and as real as the feelings may be in their time, I don't want complaining to be a focus of this space, or my life. So no one should be surprised if I post sporadically from here on out.

17 weeks and counting. :)

Missing

I love my husband's job for one main reason: it makes him really happy.

I love love love that he's blessed with a job that he enjoys. It's a privilege. 

The thing I hate most about his job is that it requires him to travel.

I'm so excited that he gets the opportunity to travel, and I'm really proud of him.

I just really, really hate being left behind every time.

Last night he flew into NYC (first time he's ever been there.)

We had always hoped/daydreamed we'd be able to visit for the first time together (sigh.)

When he called last night he said "this would be so much more fun if you were here."

And of course I cried in the most unattractive, blubbering way.

Because he is really, really sweet and loving that man of mine.

And I am really very pregnant and emotional this week.

And I don't even know what the point of this post even is.

But I'm sure I'll look back on it in a couple of years and be like,

"Gosh I was a big whiny baby. Grow up already 27 year old me. Ugggh."

But I'm posting it anyway because, gosh darn it, I'm a pregnant mom with two crazy kids, and it's raining outside this morning so there goes our "wear the kids out at the park" plan of attack, and my husband's waking up in a beautiful hotel room in Manhattan this morning, and our kid that looks just like him woke me up at freakin' 6 AM, and why is it so hard for me to fall asleep when he's out of town, and man my back hurts, and now our other kid (who also looks just like him) is yelling at me from the bathroom to come wipe her bum.

I most definitely will regret this post.

(Apologies future much more mature me.)

What I Do.

Today's prompt is "if you couldn't answer with your job, how would you answer "what do you do?"

(I had plans for a fun "picture-an-hour" post, (a kind of "day in the life" kind of thing) but I was at the doctor with Olive all morning. She has pneumonia and an ear infection and I've been waging war against her high fever that is being very stubborn...praying an ER trip isn't necessary later this evening...so this will have to do...)

I saw this quote yesterday, and it really struck a chord with me:

“In a child's eyes, a mother is a goddess. She can be glorious or terrible, benevolent or filled with wrath, but she commands love either way. I am convinced that this is the greatest power in the universe.” 
― N.K. Jemisin

I don't believe that motherhood is THE greatest power in the universe, but I do believe it's a greater power than we believe it to me in the humdrum, daily grind of parenting. 

The quote choked me up because it reminded me of all the days that I am "horrible" and "filled with wrath." I have a lot of days where I feel overwhelmed and don't manage the stress well. Sometimes I yell. I'm impatient a lot. Sometimes I'm not fair. But in spite of my many flaws, my kids still love me and seek my love and approval. That's a privilege and responsibility that makes me shake in my shoes.

I guess my answer to the question "what do you do?" is: I try. 

I try to:

-Live "in the moment."
-Really listen to my kids, even when I'm tired and they're not making sense.
-Be patient.
-Not worry too much. (Hard for me.)
-Have fun with my kids.
-Be creative.
-Keep everyone healthy.
-Be a good example.

I fail all the time. But I never, ever want to stop trying.

Things That Make Me Uncomfortable...

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1. Talking on the phone. I've had phone phobia for as long as I can remember. While it's gotten a little better with all the practicing that real-life-as-a-grown-up forces on you, I still get heart palpitations when it's time to call someone-not-in-my-immediate-family. (Thank God for texting, no?)

2. Speedos. (Do I even have to elaborate on this one? And why is there always at least one extremely, wrinkly old man wearing one every time you're at the beach?)

3. Cialis Commercials. They literally give me physical pain whenever I see them.

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4. That sound forks make when they scrape a plate. One of my children has already caught on that I can't stand this noise, and likes to torture me at dinnertime.

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5. Being around people who are arguing. It goes back to things that happened during my childhood, but to this day I can hardly stand to be in a room where people are loudly arguing. I physically cringe and want to disappear. 

6. Entering through an "Exit" door (or vice versa.) Matt and I have literally gotten into (non-yelling!) arguments over this. I refuse to enter or exit via the wrong door and he think it's totally acceptable to use either. So not cool!

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7. Public PDA. I'm not opposed to public hand holding, hugging, or even some not-too-passionate public kissing. However, making out on a picnic blanket with half your clothes on in front of my children and I as we are innocently trying to take a walk in a public park kind of crosses a line, no?

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8. People who act like they want to be your friend, but are really just trying to rope you into a pyramid scheme. There's nothing to make you feel more like an idiot than when you meet someone who acts like they really like you and want to be buddies and then when you actually do meet up all they want to talk about is recruiting you to sell stuff for their business. And of course when you say, "no I'm not interested" they dump you and act like they never met you. 

Yesterday We Lived

Yesterday was warm. And so sunny.

I've been needing warmth and sun pretty badly.

I was determined that we not waste a second of such a perfect, glorious day.

So as soon as we finished breakfast Olive, Silas and I took a long walk around Lake Mac.

And then we played at the park until we were all starving for lunch.

And then while Silas napped, I taught Olive about hopscotch all afternoon.

And then Matt took off from work a little early and we did this...

This picture does not do the view from Laketown Beach's dune any justice.

Nor does it allow you to see just how many stairs there are to climb up and then down over the dune to the beach.

(But rest assured - it's a lot. It feels like at least 9,000. Especially when you're carrying your kids the whole time. Yes, we did that because we're crazy, but not as crazy as we were the time we carried them up after a big snowstorm and all those stairs were coated with ice.)

All the work is totally worth the payoff - the view. It is hands down my favorite place in Holland, and I'm pretty sure it's the most amazing view of Lake Michigan in the city. You feel like you're on top the planet, and it's exhilarating. 

Yesterday felt like we really lived every second, and I went to bed wishing every day could feel like that.  

I think the secret of it is in just doing. Just go. Get out of the house, get out of the comfort zone. Turn off the phone, turn off the computer. Don't be afraid to go somewhere unfamiliar. Tackle a challenge that you're pretty sure you can't do, and then relish the thrill of proving to yourself you can.

Maybe that sounds random and ridiculous (it probably is, I'm tired) but those are things that are becoming more and more important to me.