The Last Mile's The Hardest

This girl's tenacity and determination never fail to awe me. She's a champion.

"How's it going with Oona?" I get asked this a lot. The answer is: "it's complicated."

I look back on the last 10 weeks with a mixture of pride and shock - "yeah, we did this!" And, "Oh my gosh, how are still we doing this?"

To be honest, we're having an especially hard week as I write this, which may be the reason I feel like I need to write, which conflicts me because I don't want to just write when things are bad. I don't want to give the impression that it's ALL been bad. There's been a lot of grace. There's been a lot of incredibly powerful, wonderful lessons learned. There's been some empowerment, and a lot of being broken and humbled.

But there is some bad. Lately, Oona's been suffering a lot, and it's hard to join her in that while not being able to do anything to really help. She can't sleep. We're woken up several times a night to screams of mighty frustration as an itch or cramp tortures her. Sometimes a little soothing gets her back to sleep. Other times it's so bad her body is rigid and tense, and she won't relax for hours. There's a constant wondering of "could we be doing something different to make it better?" To give her ibuprofen with her tylenol or not? Are we doing her pillows the best way? Should we give her the bottle she's demanding that she really doesn't need? Do we let her cry for an hour, or get her up so everyone else in the house can sleep? Matt and I are extremely exhausted, and it brings out the worst in us.

When I'm REALLY tired, I start getting irrational. I feel it creeping up on me, the way you start to feel icky when a cold or flu is coming on. I get jealous of people I love. I get bitter about how unfair things seem. I get snappy and impatient when I should be gentle and understanding. I get extremely anxious that everything important around me is going to fall apart, and it will all be my fault. I start irrationally feeling like everyone is counting on me to meet their needs, and I don't have enough of myself left to give to anyone, and all is hopeless.

We've got 18 days left with the cast. We're in the last stretch, yet these next two and a half weeks feel insurmountable to me in this moment. So I'm trying to be really intentional about inviting Jesus into this weakness, even as my sinfulness and anxiety rapidly try to erect walls of self-dependence in an attempt to keep Him out. Funny after all these years, and all that my brain knows about needing Jesus when we're weak - it's when I'm weak that I seem to continually shut Him out. "It's my problem. I can fix it myself if I do a,b and c..." My heart has a hard time trusting and believing that He'll walk beside me, that He is who He says He is.

18 days left, and I'm trying to embrace them with hope and faith in the promises of God, instead of wishing them away.

Oona 2.0 (2 Weeks In.)

Hello again, after another long absence! Everyone's just fine, it's just been a long (still ongoing) adjustment and between exhaustion and numerous distractions I've become horrible about updating on any platform besides Instagram! (If you don't follow me already over there, my username is @jacquelinef - I'm a huge fan of Instagram and try to post at least once a day!)

I've been calling Oona "2.0" because in some ways she seems like a totally new kid now, though in the most important, intrinsic ways she's still our same old Oonie.

I've had several people ask me what's been the hardest part of this journey, and without a doubt the worst of it was the anxious waiting period before the surgery. Not knowing what to expect always makes me anticipate the worst, and then I become a nervous, emotional wreck. Olive was also a nervous wreck as we waited for the surgery, having occasional nightmares and emotional breakdowns as she worried about the impending surgery. By the time the surgery date arrived we were more than ready to just get it over with!

Oona's last walk, going across the skybridge to Helen Devos Children's Hospital.

Oona with her lucky mustache, playing before surgery.

Oona's surgery was at the Helen Devos Children's Hospital, in Grand Rapids. We were blown away with the quality care she received there. All the staff, from nurses to anesthesiologists were great with Oona and with explaining every step to Matt and I. They allowed our pastors (all three came!) to sit with us up until she was rolled into the operating room. They had the most fun play room right next to the operating room that Oona could play in while we waited.

The second worst part of this journey was kissing Oona goodbye as she went into surgery. I almost couldn't post this picture because it makes me cry whenever I look at it. I found out for the first time how indescribably awful it is to watch your baby rolled into a room for surgery, knowing you can't go too. I know I'm incredibly lucky and blessed to have had such healthy kids, and that there are so many brave parents who have to go through this numerous times. My heart breaks for them, as well as applauds them for the huge amount of courage it takes!

Compounding my feelings as I watched Oona roll into the O.R. was knowing that when she came out, she'd be in the Spica.

We were told to expect Oona to be in surgery between 3-4 hours. Her surgeon was expecting to have to make three separate incisions and scrape around the ball of her hip and the socket in order to get it back in the right place. He also prepared us for the possibility of having to shave off the top of her femur if re-setting her hip proved extra difficult.

So imagine our shock, when not fully 2 hours into her surgery her doctor came out to the waiting room where we were sitting to tell us that he had been able to easily set her hip with just one small incision to loosen the muscles and ligaments around her hip! He told us it was extremely rare to be able to set a walking toddler's dislocated hip so easily, and that in the last 18 years he's been practicing, he had seen only one other case like Oona's 18 years ago! It felt like a miracle to Matt and I. While Oona would still have to be in the Spica for 3 months, her recovery pain would be extremely minimal and the actual cast would not be quite as extreme as we had been prepared for.

When Oona came out of the anesthesia, she was freaked out and emotional, but as soon as we were able to hold her on our laps she calmed down and eventually was her same old self. Matt and I were a little overwhelmed with how awkward and heavy the Spica was (it added about 8-10 pounds to Oona,) and I did have a moment or two where I felt panicked "how are we going to do this?!" We just kept going back to what we had seen the Lord do for Oona through surgery, and trusted that He would work this out for His good in His time.

Oona in her special, loaner car seat that allows her to ride in the car with her cast. 

Waiting for XRays and CT scan.

The last two weeks with the Spica cast have had their ups and downs. I'll start with the positives:

-Diaper changing, which requires a very different method than normal diapering, (Google "Spica cast diaper changes" for more info,) has gone way smoother than I ever expected. We are lucky that Oona's cast is lined with plastic, which is easy to clean up whenever we have the occasional leak. We have been vigilant (meaning, slightly obsessive) with keeping her changed often and dry. After every change, we spend time blowing everything dry with a hair dryer. Yes, it looks ridiculous! But so far, no odor at all, and Oona has not had any sores or rashes, (thank You, Lord!) 

-Sleep has mostly been better than expected! This was a huge answer to our prayers, as going into the surgery we were already sleep deprived (Oona would wake up at least twice a night) and we were expecting sleep to be worse with the Spica cast. Believe it or not, sleep has overall been a little better with the cast. We've had a few really horrible nights where Oona was having leg spasms, which is normal coming out of surgery with such a big cast, but most nights she sleeps comfortably from 8 to 6:30 with one short nap during the day. The trick here was getting the right pillows in the right positions to keep her cool and comfortable. The first week, we had her on a bean bag which could be molded around her head and hips in a way that she was very supported, but last week we moved her to a wedge pillow under her head and back with two regular pillows supporting her legs. This has kept her cooler and allowed her more room to shift around a bit during the night.

-Matt built Oona an amazing wooden rocking chair with a tray, that has changed our lives! The way Oona's cast is positioned she can not sit up straight in a regular chair, which meant she is either reclined on a bean bag or sat on our knees. Meals were a nightmare, as you can imagine, and Matt and I were sore from supporting her most of the time. The special chair allows her to sit up at her own table top, as well as rock! She spends most of her time in her chair. If you are reading this and have a child going into or already in a Spica cast, I highly recommend looking at Ivy Rose Spica chairs. They are very similar to what Matt built for Oona, and will make this whole experience SO MUCH BETTER. Pinky promise!

-We were able to get Oona in her stroller, with the help and support of a couple of pillows, which has meant we can go out for walks! This cheers her up more than anything else. She loves being outside and when we figured out we could still go on family walks, I took a deep breath and sighed "alright - we can do this thing!"

-While I don't know for sure if this is attributed to the Spica cast treatment, we've noticed Oona's vocabulary has exploded in the last two weeks! She's speaking in simple sentences now, and communicates much more than she ever did before.

While the positives have been numerous and definitely outweigh the negatives, here have been our challenges:

-Boredom. Oona gets bored so easily. She's never cared a whole lot for TV (she has been paying more attention since getting into the cast, but not more than 20 minutes or so at a time.) She's received so many wonderful blocks and legos and small toys, but she gets tired of them quickly. That period of time between 4pm and 8pm is awful as she just wants to do the things she can't and the only consolation is having Matt or I carry her. Which leads me to...

-Time management. I feel like if my attention and time equals 100%, the kids are requiring 120% and I constantly feel like I'm failing one of them (or Matt.) Trying to get dinner on the table, homework done, and keeping Oona content is hopeless battle. There's a lot of evenings where I have to tell myself "ok, we're in survival mode right now, and it's not going to last forever, so pizza delivery isn't going to ruin the children!" ;-)

-Trying not to spoil Oona. I wouldn't care so much about this, except three months is a long time to be in a cast, and I want to keep our standards as normal as possible, for all of our sakes! It's harder on Matt and I than it is on her. Often this looks like walking away from her while she's throwing an epic tantrum. I feel sorry for her limitations, so it makes me feel like crap, but I know my feeling sorry for her is the worst thing for her. She doesn't need that! There's been so many hard lessons during this process! I'm choosing to be thankful for them.

-Physical exhaustion for Matt and I. I don't know why, but even though the kids are sleeping ok (knock on wood,) we always feel so tired. My body is sore from lifting and carrying Oona around (she weights close to 40 pounds right now,) and I can feel the strain in my back, chest and shoulders. Matt is exhausted mentally with work and heavy responsibilt

-Getting out of the house. Yes, we can take Oona out in the car and stroller, but she can't do normal things like sit in a cart at the food store. This means that either Matt or I stay home with her while the other does errands, unless it's the weekend and we can go together. I hate this, because I know Oona loves to get out, but I just can't manage her and the other kids out of the house by myself right now. We also really miss doing things like going to church on Sunday mornings, or the morning women's Bible study I usually attend, but I can't leave Oona in the nursery with her cast. It's another trial that requires me to keep focusing on the big picture - yes, this is a long time, but there is an end in sight. We can make it.

-Marriage. Ha, this one is uncomfortably personal, but Oona's surgery and treatment and all the changes have definitely given our relationship some challenges. Our fuses have been shorter than normal. We don't get any time alone. I am very guilty of feeling bitter at times that his life continues fairly normally with work and outside-the-house activities/responsibilities while I've had to give up pretty much everything to give Oona the round-the-clock care she needs. I hate that I fall into that, but I'm a sinful human who needs a lot of grace.

Sorry to anyone still reading for how lengthy this has become! I guess to sum everything up - it's been a bumpy road, but the Lord has used everything about this process to show us in incredibly personal ways how much He loves us. We are learning so much, and we feel humbled. Oona's going to be ok, and Matt, Olive, Silas and I will be too. I'm thankful that He chose for us to go through this as a family, because I can see His goodness through it all. Thanks for reading!

Well, That Changes Everything

We went into the doctor's appointment without a bit of anxiety or foreboding. Sure, Oona had taken a lot longer than her siblings to learn to walk, and she still struggled a bit with keeping up with the kids due to a little limp, but she was walking - and running and jumping and all the other things 18 month old girls can do.  Her pediatrician told us it might be a "hip issue" and referred us to an orthopedic doctor with Devos Children's Hospital in Grand Rapids. I was born with hip dysplasia, which was easily corrected with 9 months in a harness, so I assumed if Oona had a hip issue, she also would be put in a harness or a brace, or perhaps since she was already so mobile she would just undergo physical therapy...

Therefore, when the doctor brought her x-rays in for us to look at and told us Oona would need immediate hip surgery, including a possible a femoral osteotomy, followed by three months in a full body cast, followed by up to a year in a restrictive brace, well...perhaps you can imagine how Matt and I felt. It was like someone had kicked the air out of us.

I walked around in shocked kind of stupor for a week. How were we going to do this? How was Oona going to get through this? My mind couldn't stop racing ahead, imagining prematurely the awfulness of what surely lies ahead - saying goodbye to my baby as she's rolled back to a 3 hour surgery with strangers, watching her wake up to the shock and horror of not being able to move, watching her deal with post-op pain and drugs, watching her come home and deal with the frustration of being bound to a heavy, fully encompassing cast, and worst of all - watching her grieve not being able to do what she loves best: running, climbing, dancing and jumping. Googling other people's stories about toddlers in Spica casts hasn't helped the dread very much - lots of stories of depressed babies, sleepless nights due to painful muscle spasms, and lots of horror stories about the difficulty of keeping the casts dry and clean due to difficulty of diaper changes with the cast.

I'll be honest - this whole thing, it's a nightmare, and we're still in a weird state of grieving while simultaneously trying to be positive. Three months is a long time, but it will come and go. There's comfort in knowing there's a definite start and end to the treatment, if that makes any sense. We can plan around it, and make adjustments for it. And we're so thankful that the dysplasia was caught NOW and not when she was older and at higher risk of needing more surgeries and intervention. I'm thankful that when Oona is ready for school, she'll be able to run and jump with her friends without a limp. I'm thankful that she's healthy and strong and feisty. I don't know how we're going to do the next three months but I know we will do it, and it will all work out for the best.

Birthday Celebrating

Oona was surprised with her first two teeth on her first birthday! It made for an extremely cranky birthday girl. She was not impressed at all with our attempts to please her with colorful balloons and a fancy homemade cake...

Oona cheered up considerably when given her own little smash cake - which she smashed right into, with gusto! 

I still can't believe it's been a whole year since this day. It's just crazy!

Happy Birthday Oona!

The baby is ONE!

UNO!

1!!!

What a fast year it was. We can't remember life before Oona Caroline anymore!

She's cute and snuggly and adventurous and sneaky and silly. We sure do love her!

Oona at 10 Months

I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that our little Ooners turned 10 months old yesterday (will she really be one year old in just 2 months?! How can it be?) 

Oona is a seriously delightful baby. (And I'm not just saying that 'cause I'm her mama.) She just oozes charm and - cuteness. From her husky laugh, mischievous grin and crazy antics - she knows how to enchant every one she meets! She's very active; always climbing and crawling and walking along the edges of furniture. She really likes to feed herself now - she loves her puffs. She is sleeping much better these days, but does not like to go to sleep when her older siblings do. I think she just likes having an hour of mom and dad all to herself before going to sleep.

We love you so much, Oona Caroline! Slow down on growing up so fast!

Four Months

It's true. My littlest one is 4 months old now! Time, when you're a mom, passes in such a weird way. It seems like it's dragging in the moment, but you blink and suddenly realize it's flown by. 

Oona, at four months you are a chunky, squishy, absolutely delicious little thing. You are all smiles and coos unless you are hungry or sleepy. You are so strong! You love to roll over and have given me a shock on more than one occasion when I have found you've rolled halfway across the room! You are sitting in the bouncing play chair like a big girl, and love playing with the toys on it. You like to be tickled, cuddled, talked to and you REALLY love your big sister, Olive. You sleep through the night most of the time, but you hate to take naps during the day. You make trying to get any work done around here a real challenge! 

But I'll take hanging out with you over doing laundry any day!

Sleep Regression

Oona has played a dirty little trick on us. You see, she had us fooled that she had finally perfected the art of sleeping through the night. Matt and I were starting to get used to getting a straight 6-8 hours of sleep every night again. Life was good! And then. Out of nowhere, she started crying at 3am every single night. That wouldn't be so bad if it were a matter of feeding her and putting her back down to sleep again right away, but no. A lot of nights she doesn't want to eat and go back to sleep, she just wants to play. So finally around maybe 4:30 she settles back down in bed...until 6am.

After a consult with my favorite Dr. Google, we learned this is probably a case of 4-month-old sleep regression - a pretty common occurrence, if internet forums are to be trusted. And I sure hope the internet is right on this one, because if they are then she should start sleeping through the night again in a few weeks. (Crossing fingers and toes!) And until then, look for the yawning couple with bloodshot eyes chugging coffee. Wave hello when you see us!

2 Months

Yesterday marked Oona's 2 month birthday. She's growing and changing so fast these days! It's a joy to discover new bits of her emerging personality.

This girl loves people. She follows us all around with her eyes as she chills out in her bouncy chair during the day. When she's been fed and burped and changed and is STILL fussy, it's almost always just a case of needing someone to talk to her. She loves sitting on Matt's or my lap and watching our faces while we chat to her. She likes to talk back in baby noises and is very generous with her sweet grins.

She is finally sleeping some longer stretches at night (praise. the. Lord.) And she'll actually sleep/nap in her cradle now! We were starting to worry that she would never transition out of that silly bouncy chair that she loves so much.

That newborn look is forever fading away and she's chunking up in typical Frey-baby-form. She's already moved up into size 2 diapers (whaaat?) and her 3 month outfits are getting snug. Oh I love me a fat baby, but I somehow always forget about how much work it is to clean out all those fat rolls. :)

One Month

And what a long month it was!

Today Little O had her one month appointment. She weighed in at 10 lb. 10 oz, and other than a little head cold (that has afflicted everyone in our house this week, blah...) she is the picture of health - and chubs! I mean, look at those roly thighs folks. I take full credit for those rolls and cheeks!

After her appointment I took her to the store to pick up groceries and realized not only was it the first time I had taken her out for an extended time by myself, but also that life is finally starting to feel normal again, and for that I am extremely thankful.

Little O Is 3 Weeks Old

I love this little girl so much. For such a little person, she has a big personality  It's been exciting watching her grow and change in her first three weeks!

I still feel like we are in survival mode over here, but while things aren't feeling 100% normal yet there are hopeful "glimmers" of a normal routine (I hope it's right around the corner!) Oona has been gifting us with an occasional 3 or 4 hour stretch of sleep at night, she's getting wonderfully fat and is a real snuggle bug. 

Some highlights this week:

Monday was a horrid day. I mean, the worst. But Tuesday morning Matt insisted on taking the morning off from work to take us out to get a walk at the mall, despite blizzard conditions and negative-degree wind chills outside. I wasn't keen on the idea, but it's just another reason I am so very thankful to be married to Matt. He's a wise man, that husband of mine. It was the best thing for all of us, getting out of the house and walking laps around the warm mall. I can not tell you how much better we all felt. It's a whole-heck-of-a-lot of work getting a baby, a toddler and a 4 year old ready to go out of the house in freezing weather but I need to learn to just do it because the benefits of getting out of the confines of our house and getting a little exercise are great.

Wednesday we had a sunny day. The glory of a precious sunny day in west Michigan in January! We opened all the blinds and let the sun just pour in. It felt so good.

Wednesday night Oona had her first proper bath in the sink. She clenched her hands into tight little fists and took it like a big girl. She didn't cry a single second! We were so surprised. Olive and Silas hated their first at-home baths. Our littlest is a tough little cookie!

An Honest Account of the First Week

I didn't get any sleep the night before Oona was born. I was scared. Scared of going through the induction, scared of being a mom to three, scared about how Olive and Silas would do while I was busy at the hospital, scared of bringing a baby home with a sore, tired body and having to still be mom to a rambunctious 4 year old and 21 month old. I was so anxious when we got to the hospital at 7am Thursday morning that my stomach was flipping and my hands were shaking.

As it turned out, the labor and delivery turned out to be the easiest and most relaxed of the three that I've experienced. I started pitocin around 9am, and had steady but mild contractions until noon when my doctor broke my water. Even after having my water broken, my contractions felt easy and I worried my labor was going to stall out because I felt too "comfortable." Matt and I distracted ourselves watching "Once Upon A Time" on Netflix for an hour or two, at which point my nurse convinced me to go ahead and get the epidural before the contractions got any worse. The epidural was easy and effective. I ate lots of jello. The contractions kept coming. Matt and I started a movie around 4:30pm, and 15-20 minutes later I started feeling shaky and had a hunch I might be going through transition. Sure enough, I was declared "complete" at 5pm, and 20 minutes later Oona was wailing on my chest. Three easy pushes was all it took. I couldn't believe how fast it all went. I got to cut her cord myself, and she latched on and started nursing beautifully 5 minutes after being born. It all just felt too good to be true.

We came home Saturday morning, and that's when things got difficult. Oona has been jaundiced, so nursing has become increasingly difficult. She's lethargic a lot, and it's often hard work to get a good latch because she's so sleepy. My "girls" have suffered badly between all the long nursing sessions, incorrect latch ons, engorgement, and milk blisters. Cracks and scabbing. It gets so frustrating because you read and hear everywhere that if you're "doing it right" then "it shouldn't hurt." So I feel like I'm failing constantly, and feeling like a failure + being in a lot of pain makes my hormones take over and I become a weeping machine that doesn't have a "STOP" button. Basically - I'd take going through an induction 100 times over vs. getting through the first week with a jaundiced newborn and sore postpartum body. It's been a very overwhelming week. (Thank God for prescription strength Motrin and chocolate. Amen?)

It's not all bad, though. I know without a doubt that I am married to the most unselfish, patient guy in the world. Matt has taken such good care of all of us. When I even imagine going through any of this without him, the waterworks start flowing and I become a blubbering mess. Oona is a cutie, and adored by the whole family. We live for the moments when she's wide awake and checking us all out. She's my first bald baby, and has the softest, fuzziest head that everyone loves to rub. I thoroughly enjoy the moments where she falls asleep on me while I'm burping her, and we all find the funny "dream" faces she makes in her sleep hilariously entertaining. Our church family has been bringing us hearty meals all week, and girlfriends across the country have been faithful to text me nearly every day to check up on me and let me know they're praying. And I have really felt those prayers. God is good, all the time. I know He will get us through the rest of this challenging adjustment period. 

Introducing... (Finally!)

Oona Caroline Frey finally joined the family on January 9, 2014!

8 lb 2 oz, 21 inches long.

We are totally smitten with her (even Silas has fallen under her spell!) She is a strong, feisty girl, 

and pretty much a clone of her big brother and sister! 

It was a blessedly fast labor and delivery, (my easiest of the three by far,) 

and recovery has been a breeze. It is good to be home adjusting to life as a family of 5!