Current Pictures & Things

We love Lake Michigan in the summer!

Silas loves babies.

Blanket my mom lovingly made for baby #3.

Gluten free/vegan snacks at Lemonjellos. Oh, and some really good coffee.

OB appointements.

Flowers from the farmer's market.

We like to get out and walk every evening. 

Caricatures of the kids. Olive was so proud!

Acrobats performing live downtown. They do this for free every Thursday night!

Watching: Documentaries. The Flat and Hitler's Children were fascinating and moving. On a less serious note we finally finished the 4th (new) season of Arrested Development and I was disappointed. (Except for the Lucille episode, which was hysterical. Pretty sure she's my favorite Bluth.)

Reading: "The Midwife" by Jennifer Worth. My mother in law sent me the whole Midwives collection (on which the popular Call the Midwife series is based on) for my birthday! I've only just started the first book but it's very good so far.

Eating: Like a man. I swear, never have I consumed so much red meat in my life. I crave burgers like a maniac. I may or may not even make them for breakfast sometimes. (I know, I gross myself out but what's a pregnant lady to do? I've learned to just give this baby what it wants or else it pays me back in serious sickies.) I've been trying to balance it out with lots of fruits and vegetables from the farmers market. I have eaten a TON of asparagus and strawberries this month. Seriously sad that asparagus is going out of season already.

Drinking: As much water as I can handle. I had low fluid levels with Silas, which was a scary experience, so I try to stay hydrated. Yes, I do have to pee all. the. time. It's for a good cause.

Also worth noting: My sister just moved in with us for the next few months. She's pursuing a couple of job leads, and trying out the area. She just graduated from college and wanted to try living somewhere totally new. I am sooo happy she is here! It's been so good catching up and visiting.

June Favorites

(I thought I'd post some of the things that are floatin' my boat these days. Just for fun.) :)

Inspector Lewis is back on Masterpiece Theater Sunday nights! Love this show.

(You can watch online over at Masterpiece's website.)

I have been having hair issues - mainly, shedding like crazy. 

I thought it would stop when I found out about the new baby, but it has not. :(

(I am terrified that I will go completely bald after this baby is born. Such a nightmare!)

After much research, I decided to try Toppik, and it is a miracle in a jar.

I sprinkle just a tiny bit over my part, and it makes the thinning area look much thicker.

(It's pricey, but a little goes a LONG way.)

Another miracle produce is Cat Walk's Root Boost spray.

This stuff is really easy to apply and gives SO much volume! Love it.

I started using this BB cream, and believe it to be highly superior to Maybelline's.

It's a weird formula - the cream comes out white and matches your skin tone as you rub it in.

What I love about it is that it has more of a matte finish, and gives great coverage for a BB cream.

After reading so many great reviews for theBalm's Mary Lou-manizer highlighter, I ordered some.

It is a beautiful, flattering color, especially on fair skin tones. 

A tiny bit goes a long way. Great for summer weather!

While on the topic of beauty, Gemma has become my new favorite YouTube beauty vlogger.

I love the pretty looks she creates, and her tutorials!

This song came on the radio a couple of weeks ago and made me laugh so hard. But it also managed to get stuck in my head, for like - a week? And I realized it had a cheering-up effect on me (I mean, how can you listen to this song with a frown? I cannot.) So I looked it up online, and now it's found its way onto my iPod and has become a favorite. (It still makes me laugh every time it comes on!)

Speaking of laughing, this story. I mean!

On Turning 27

Maybe someone reading this can empathize - but I feel like the enemy always tries to discourage me and get me depressed around birthdays. I mean, I can look back at birthdays as a kid and remember getting easily discouraged then too. Sometimes the discouragement happens because family forgets it's your birthday, or you feel like no one thinks you're special, and sometimes things just don't go the way you hoped... As I get older though, I find the discouragement mostly comes in the form of realizing I'm getting older really, really fast and that time just keeps getting faster. Sometimes I just can't believe how fast I'm approaching 30, because it seems like such a mature age, and I feel really immature still.

So the week of my birthday, I was feeling a bit down and pessimistic, and the reasons were all characteristically stupid and immature. Luckily I snapped out of it and my actual birthday (last Saturday) was one of the best days ever. Matt, Olive and Silas threw me the cutest little "party" with sparkly hats and horns, and Matt made me the most amazing gluten free/vegan coffee cake. We had a great day together, just the 4 (and a half) of us. 

One thing I specifically asked for on this birthday, was to go out for breakfast - specifically for pancakes, which I haven't had since January. They were delicious, (and gave me a stomach ache later, of course,) but it was worth it for a rare birthday treat. We got to eat outside which was so fun and special!

Matt kept the kids for the afternoon so I could go out by myself for a bit. It was glorious. I shopped, browsed, and spent a good 2 hours reading at Barnes and Noble. (See that confused little baby bump? Looks much more like a beer gut at this stage, ugh.)

We went to the Farmers Market downtown and snagged some of the last asparagus of the season for a grilled birthday dinner. I have been cray-zay for asparagus lately. We have eaten so much this spring, and I still can't believe how much better the produce at the Farmers Market tastes than the produce at the store. 

We finished the weekend off by having a picnic at the beach on Sunday evening. The water and sand felt so good, and while cleaning all the sand off our kids late that night was not exactly what we'd call "fun," it was such a great evening.

_ _ _

I had a "weirded out" moment this week, when I realized that at 27 years old, I'll have been married for 7 years and have three children. My Mom was 27 the year she got married and almost 28 when she had me. It's just weird to think about.

I'm looking forward to this new year, even though I'm a little nervous about the life changes it's going to bring. Getting older is scary, at least it is for me, but I try to set my mind on what is true and good. It is a huge blessing to be turning another year older, hand in hand with my husband, and getting to watch our children learn and grow. I wouldn't have it any other way.

One of my favorite bloggers, Meg, wrote this on her blog today and it so perfectly summed up how I feel that I had to quote her..

"but here’s the thing, and this is a relatively new thought for me, i wouldn’t trade my life for anyone else’s. because not everyone gets to have this experience. and maybe it’s lucky that i do. and others may live their lives “better–but not with my peculiar flavor and music.” this is my lot and i’ll be damned if i don’t figure it out. and frankly i’d like to see how it all plays out. which is to say, i’m invested in the story. i’m invested in the story of my own life. which, i think, is not a bad place to be at twenty-seven." - meg fee

Some June Pictures and a Letter

^^ Olive in a beautiful new dress from her Grandma in WV ^^

^^ Silas loves our vacuum cleaner. Especially that cord retractor thingy. ^^

Dear Fetus,

You are such a weird baby already. Like, WTH is up with all this nausea? And hunger? It's bad enough waking me up in the middle of the night to pee already, but forcing me out of bed at 4:30a.m. to make a sandwich is just cruel. And when you get hungry, there is NO time to dawdle, or you send me straight to the porcelain throne. And that is just no fun.

You should have seen your daddy's face when you forced me to ask him to grill me some burgers and brats. Ha! Mommy has always, always hated even the smell of brats, but YOU obviously have the appetite of a hairy chested, blue collared man and have turned me into someone I don't even recognize.

Oh, and you should have seen mommy's face when our doctor told me I had LOST a couple of pounds at our last appointment. I told that doctor there must be a mistake because I have been eating more the last couple of months than I think I have eaten in my entire life. (Like that week where all we ate was Dominoes gluten free/no cheese pizza? And how about how we make daddy pick us up a muffin and a cookie  from Lemonjellos at least twice a week?) So the doctor said, "Well maybe you been more active lately?" And oh how mommy laughed, because when we're not stuffing our face, we are CRASHED on the couch snoring (or watching Law and Order SVU,) aren't we baby? Mommy has not even looked at the treadmill since April. But thanks, you know, for using up all that food and not letting it go to mommy's thighs (yet.)

But, whenever you want to stop making me break out in acne like it's 1999 again, you know, that would be pretty awesome.

Love, your hungry-again-already Mother xox

Number 3

One morning during the first week of May, I woke up feeling nauseas with a bad head ache. Kind of like a hangover, only I hadn't had any alcohol in months. I immediately knew what it was, but refused to believe it.

We were not trying to get pregnant. I did not want to be pregnant, possibly ever again. I hate writing that, but it's truth. After three positive pregnancy tests, though, it finally sunk in that this really was happening, and then (much to my shame) I cried for at least a week. 

We've always used natural family planning as our birth control, with total success, but I'm pretty sure with all the changes my body went through on the Whole 30, my cycle changed and...well, ready or not, hello baby number 3! 

I'm 11 weeks now, and I've wanted to write about my feelings and thoughts here for a month but just couldn't do it. I was in a negative state of mind. I felt ungrateful, ugly and bitter. And I want you to know before I go on, that I have struggled with infertility before. I have gone through two very difficult miscarriages, which I still mourn to this day. I've been the woman struggling to keep herself together as a friend told me about her surprise 3rd pregnancy that she felt overwhelmed and upset by, wondering if I would ever have even one baby. On too many occasions I've questioned God's judgement and fairness about how He distributes babies generously to some, and keeps them from other women who desire them so heart wrenchingly much. All I could think this last month was, "I don't want to rub anyone the wrong way with my personal battles." So I've stayed quiet.

With that being said, and an apology to anyone I might offend, I have to honestly say - yes, I am overwhelmed. And I have at times during the last 2 months been very depressed. And there have been really ugly moments where I wished I could wish this pregnancy away. And I still wake up in the middle of the night in panic sometimes, wondering "how am I going to do this? I can't do this." 

The God I love and obey is infinitely loving and patient. Goodness, He is so patient with me, and I feel that loving patience (that I do not deserve) the most in my moments of feeling lost, immature and faithless. The last couple of months has been a constant running conversation like this:

Me: I can't do this.

God: I will help you do this.

Me: I'm terrified.

God: I will never leave you.

Me: I really can't do this.

God: We're doing this now, together.

Before I went to the doctor for the ultrasound, I tried to calculate my due date using one of those calculators online. When that date popped up, that was a life changing, special moment that only God could orchestrate to penetrate my heart.

You see, Olive and Silas were both born the first week of April. Both of my miscarriages would have been due in early January, their due dates within days of each other. My due date for this baby is January 5, 2014. It doesn't sound like much, and maybe it's not as significant to anyone as it is to Matt and I, but in that moment it was like His hands were squeezing my shoulders and He was saying "I have this all under control. I haven't missed one single detail of your life. I've loved and taken care you then, and I will always love and take care of you in the future. You can trust Me."

This morning, before Olive and Silas woke up, I laid in bed trying to hear a heartbeat with my home doppler. I had been trying for days with no luck, trying not worry that something was wrong because the pregnancy is really early yet. This morning, a fast, loud, strong heartbeat came through - 163 beats per minute. I laughed. Then I cried. I am happy.

It's going to be good - scary, probably difficult at times, but good. I believe it.

The drawing up top was done for me by my good friend Lisa, over at My Little Buffalo. She does adorable work! Check her out!

Hello Blog.

Sorry for being absent so long.

(You know, to the two or three people who actually follow along..) ;)

I have so much I want to write about.

I just don't know how to yet.

I will just say for now that May was an extremely hard month.

Happily, it seems June is going to be easier.

Things I am really thankful for right now:

A very selfless husband.

Happy, healthy kids.

Beautiful weather.

The little yet bountiful ways God shows me he hasn't forgotten me, and that He loves me.