Sunday, August 21, 2011

"so long insecurity"

insecurity.. it's a subtle little disease that wreaks havoc in most women's lives in some degree. it's definitely plagued me through large portions of my life. as a teenager it was debilitating. i don't know why i started believing this little lie, but for some reason i was convinced as a teenager that if God were to ever bless me with a marriage, that my insecurities would fade away and ultimately disappear. God did bless me with a marriage, to a wonderful loving husband (he's truly the greatest physical gift God has ever given me,) and for a while it seemed my theory would prove correct. under my husband's unconditional love and attention, my confidence soared and a lot of the insecurities that weighed me down seemed to go away..

then the trials started coming.. a slew of them, from infertility worries, miscarriages, difficulties as a first time mom, and frightening illnesses, to worse of all, marriage struggles, and all those dormant insecurities started flooding back with a strength i had never known before. i felt like i was going to drown in them the the lowest times. i realize now that i was such a fool, thinking my salvation from insecurities rested in human relationships and human acceptance, rather than in the grace of Christ. the insecurities are something i know i will struggle with for a long time, but i am finally starting to recognize the lies that have been fueling them all my life and i am striving to combat them with the truth of God's word.

my friend B. and i have bonded over the last several years of sharing our mutual struggles with insecurities. she recently lent me this book by beth moore which she really enjoyed. it's a very readable book, (beth moore speaks on a homey, girl-to-girl level that comes across as intimate and genuinely loving,) but it has a lot of information, and i read it slowly over the course of about four weeks, taking breaks in between chapters to try to really absorb what i was reading.

another reason it was hard to absorb was because it forced me to look at myself in a way that isn't flattering. i recognized myself on practically every page of that book, and the picture the words painted wasn't very pretty. but the prevailing thought that consumed me as i turned the last page of the book was that all these years, i've never really believed God could heal my insecurities. i've kind of gotten used to and settled with the idea that they'll just define who i am for the rest of my life, and now i'm starting to realize that i've been a slave to a bunch of lies. it's been a call to go back to the Bible and re-examine Christ's words through the clear lens of truth.

this is the first book i've read by beth moore, and i don't know a whole lot about her, but i do think that this particular book is insighfully and sensitively written, and lends a healthy fresh perspective to those struggling with insecurities.

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