Chaos Before Progress

I've been noticing "chaos" is quickly becoming a prominent theme in our life and environment this year.

For instance, there's the chaos that is roadwork-season in Michigan. The whole city feels torn up this summer, with more road work than I've ever noticed going on at one time around here, and to make it worse there are multiple big construction projects going on in town that make their own mess and traffic congestion. It's easy to get frustrated and disgruntled by the mess and traffic, but I recognize that all the chaos is leading to a much improved city that I will doubtlessly enjoy and appreciate in the future.

Then there's the chaos in my mouth - (ha, awkward segue apologies!) I had the worst orthodontic adjustment this morning (a 30 minute appointment turned into a 2 hour appointment, and it was so uncomfortable that I'm dreading the next adjustment already!) I'm back to wearing the super-attractive rubber bands this month as well (sob) and the whole thing has left me feeling really discouraged, as I have at least 6 more months of braces left and it's been a year already of feeling really unattractive and awkward. YET - when I see how much better my teeth look already, I know the chaos is worth enduring, because the result will be so worth it...

...Which reminds me about the chaos in my house. The kitchen remodel, much as we suspected, is going to be a slow, messy, very inconvenient job. It is such a mess, and there's no escaping or hiding it! It is so tempting to get frustrated, ungrateful and irritable about the inconvenience and ugliness of our house right now - YET, I know the hard work and frustration will be more than worth it when eventually the project is done and we're enjoying a bright, fresh kitchen.

I've had all these things on my mind, and I can't help but see the similarities going on in my personal life right now. This season in our family is so chaotic. A 6 year old, 3 year old and 1 year old are so very needy, and need such very different things - all at the same time, too. Husbands and wives are needy too, and it's been increasingly hard to spend time together and cultivate fun and friendship with each other with so much going on all the time. Sometimes I get so frustrated and discouraged. I talk down to myself constantly, that I'm failing in the most precious, important areas of my life. Sometimes I feel like the chaos is too much and I want to just run away. How easy it is to lose perspective, and how naturally comes our inclination to "give up" when things get hard!

The other day Olive was asking me how squirrels see things (don't ask - she's going through a philosophical phase at the moment...) I tried to explain that squirrels see things very close to the ground because they're so small, and things look very differently from our taller perspective. Sometimes I feel I see things like a squirrel, and I wish I saw things more like Jesus. He sees the intricate workings and weavings of past, present and future. He sees the whole story, and I feel like I'll be stuck on the same page in the middle of the book forever.

My conclusions from all this pondering? It's really all worth it, this chaos, and I've got to keep reminding myself of that. The sacrifices being made now will pay off big time down the road, if we continue to endure the hard work at hand.

Please Tell Me...

Try to ignore my wonky, double-jointed finger situation. 

Please tell me that my one year old isn't the only one year old who can scale an upright piano before knowing how to walk.

Please tell me that I'm not the only mom who has been changing a diaper, only to have their one year old sneak up behind and grab the dirty diaper and start playing with the diaper's...contents...on top of the "BIG MISTAKE" (which is my pet name for what used to be a white rug.)

Please tell me that your three year old has dumped and tried to flush your favorite makeup in the toilet.

Please tell me that you also have tried to bribe your six year old with ice cream to stop her from asking you to teach her how to sew at 2 pm when you have finally (hopefully) gotten the baby down for a nap after three failed attempts, and have not eaten lunch yet.

Please tell me that your three year old tries to feed your one year old lego blocks the minute you pick up a phone call.

Please tell me that you also start to cry when the rooms you spent an hour cleaning and organizing are undone within 4 minutes, (at least 4 times a day.)

Please tell me you ate most of your kids' Easter candy at night and then blamed it all on your husband, who just happens to be working super long hours last week, this week...and probably next week too. 

I know, I know - none of this happens to you. We're just a special, one-of-a-kind wreck over here! :)

I'm realizing that I have a major Debbie Downer attitude these days, which is so ungrateful and inappropriate. Shame on me.

I'm also realizing that my children must be especially naughty, just based on the facial expressions of those who I relate their antics to. How did I get these hooligans? I was such an easy, awesome kid! 

Right, Mom?

I Can't Sleep

My big girl, my firstborn, my baby always - I'm dropping her off for her first day of kindergarten in about 5 hours, and while she's sleeping soundly upstairs I'm pacing the living room and blogging at 2:30am. (Never a good idea.)

I know, I really know she is going to love school. It's a great school, she's a bright kid and she is so ready for this adventure. But tonight every time I close my eyes all I see are visions of Olive as a baby. Wasn't she just a baby a minute ago? I can still see her in perfect detail as a baby if I just close my eyes and remember, and every time I do it hurts in the most bittersweet way, because I simultaneously feel so proud of 5 year old Olive and yet tonight I kind of want baby Olive back.

Now, to try to grab a few hours of sleep or go sob over her baby pictures? Maybe I'll just go get a head start on packing her lunch instead. :)

The Controversial Necklace

Matt and I keep arguing about this amber necklace.

Have you heard that some people think amber necklaces help teething babies? I only really started looking into it this spring, when I saw someone write about successfully using them on a mommy-blog. At the time, Silas was obviously in teething hell - constant drool, red chapped cheeks, and constant crying. I was open to trying anything to get him (and my exhausted self) some relief.

So I ordered a very pricey amber necklace, and stuck it on him and guess what - in two days, his skin was totally clear, the drool had all but stopped and he was waking up from sleep smiling instead of screaming. I was in shock. And I might have done a happy dance or two.

I excitedly told Matt about the magical properties of this necklace, and he of course started fact-checking it on the internet and the next day told me that the whole amber necklace thing was a wives tale. He said scientifically, it was impossible for them to soothe pain, and that Silas' miraculous recovery was just a coincidence. I felt kind of stupid, but was too afraid to take the necklace off of Silas since he was so happy and content, so we just left it on and moved on with our lives. Until...

...Oona started teething. So much drool. So much gnawing on hands. So much crying. Not enough sleeping, for her or me. I started hinting to Matt that maybe we should just try a necklace for Oona and he said that would be ok, but he said it with a look - a look that read: "I'm just agreeing to this to pacify you because you're cray-cray" which of course made me all angry and be-yotch-ay. But that's a story for another time...

So we came up with a rather scientific, great idea - we would take the necklace off of Silas and put it on Oona and see what happened.

So today is the second day after the switch-up and guess what - Oona slept through the night for the first time in many many many weeks AND Silas woke up this morning with the old bright red cheeks and extra drool.

I say "AH HAH!"

Matt shrugs and says "placebo effect."

(But he did insist I go ahead and order a second necklace, because placebo effect or no - that full night of sleep was goooood.) 

So I want to hear what you guys have to say. Anyone else have amber necklace stories to share? I'd love to hear your experiences!

Mothers Day

It's very rare that I get to take a break from behind the camera and get in some shots with my family. I'm thankful that Matt took the time to take some pictures of me with my babies on this Mothers Day - even though it's pretty much impossible to get ONE picture where we're all smiling at the camera! 

I have had a lot on my heart today. Thinking back to a time, not all that long ago, when I wasn't sure my body would be able to get pregnant. Remembering the two babies we lost, and how those experiences changed us forever. Marveling that by the grace of God we somehow have three beautiful, healthy children who drive us crazy and keep us sharp and fill our house with so much life and laughter and love. I love these kids. I am so, so thankful I get to be their mom.

I Wish I Knew

If I could only go back and give my 22-year-old-new-mom self a pep talk... 

I would tell her stop comparing her birth, her recovery, her baby girl to her friends' stories and babies. 

I would tell her to just breathe baby Olive in like she was the last baby she would ever have. 

I would tell her that yes, she might be that person that all the Facebook memes demonize, who had an epidural, gave up on breastfeeding after 6 weeks and never co-slept with her infant - but that her formula-fed baby will grow up to be a beautiful, healthy four year old with an imagination the size of Texas, who is reading chapter books and writing stories and putting together 200 piece puzzles...and all the worrying and stressing and comparing will be such a huge waste of precious time. 

I would tell her that the instinct that God gave her is a powerful thing, and that she should trust it more.

I would tell her to not take what others say so personally. Everyone has free parenting advice and they'll always be eager to share it, and it's not necessarily an attack on you. Take everything with a grain of salt and carry on...

I would tell her to accept help when help is offered. It doesn't mean you can't handle everything. It doesn't mean you are a failure. It doesn't mean you are going to look weak. In the end, it really just means extra moments for you to just gaze at your beautiful baby and memorize every little detail about her. 

I would tell her to please not join any of these stupid, political "camps" we mothers like to set up to divide us, especially in our online worlds. (What'up with that, ladies?)  Holding to a specific parenting philosophy is fine and well (and it's fan-flipping-tastic if it works great for you and your kids!) but if it becomes more important to you than loving the other women in your life who are struggling or who are choosing a different path for themselves and their families, then priorities need reevaluating. Pronto.

I would tell her to love and cherish her husband. Always. I would tell her there will be a lot of times where choosing to love her husband will be hard, but that it will always always always be the right choice.

I would tell her that it's totally ok to talk to the doctor when the baby blues get to be too overwhelming. I would tell her there is no shame in asking for help. And I would tell her that talking to the doctor doesn't automatically mean it's time for a prescription - sometimes talking to the doctor means getting referred to a good counselor or just getting good common-sense advice like: take a little a time off once in a while and get your nails done, or take yourself out for a coffee. Sometimes the little things will make a huge difference.

I would tell her that one day, she will be hit with the reality that these days are much too brief. The sadness and bittersweetness of it will overwhelm her. So breathe that baby girl in... Memorize the littlest details and feelings and store them up in a safe, forever place in your heart, because the saying is true: "babies don't keep."

Shake

There used to be a time not so long ago, when these little ones took regular naps and we could always depend on that hour or two of quiet in the afternoon. But somewhere in the last 6 months that free time ended for good, as Olive has outgrown her need for a daily nap and Silas is hit and miss depending on how much I am able to wear him out in the morning. Funny how it just slipped silently away...

Now there is much running around, getting-into-things that they shouldn't, giggling, climbing on top of the table (Silas) chattering (Olive - she never runs out of questions, opinions or ideas these days) coloring, legos, spilled cups of milk and dancing to "The Wiggles." I have never been so tired. 

But it's a good sort of tired. It's the kind of tired that by the end of the day you feel 100% spent, like God only gave you just enough energy to get to 8pm and not a single drop more. And the quiet that comes in knowing daughter and son are safely, peacefully asleep is the best kind of quiet. A lot of nights I dread going to bed because I enjoy the last two quiet hours of the day so, so much.

It's life fully, wildly, exhaustedly lived. I'm so glad and thankful I get to live it with these guys.

So catchy, for being a rather sad song.

Number 3

One morning during the first week of May, I woke up feeling nauseas with a bad head ache. Kind of like a hangover, only I hadn't had any alcohol in months. I immediately knew what it was, but refused to believe it.

We were not trying to get pregnant. I did not want to be pregnant, possibly ever again. I hate writing that, but it's truth. After three positive pregnancy tests, though, it finally sunk in that this really was happening, and then (much to my shame) I cried for at least a week. 

We've always used natural family planning as our birth control, with total success, but I'm pretty sure with all the changes my body went through on the Whole 30, my cycle changed and...well, ready or not, hello baby number 3! 

I'm 11 weeks now, and I've wanted to write about my feelings and thoughts here for a month but just couldn't do it. I was in a negative state of mind. I felt ungrateful, ugly and bitter. And I want you to know before I go on, that I have struggled with infertility before. I have gone through two very difficult miscarriages, which I still mourn to this day. I've been the woman struggling to keep herself together as a friend told me about her surprise 3rd pregnancy that she felt overwhelmed and upset by, wondering if I would ever have even one baby. On too many occasions I've questioned God's judgement and fairness about how He distributes babies generously to some, and keeps them from other women who desire them so heart wrenchingly much. All I could think this last month was, "I don't want to rub anyone the wrong way with my personal battles." So I've stayed quiet.

With that being said, and an apology to anyone I might offend, I have to honestly say - yes, I am overwhelmed. And I have at times during the last 2 months been very depressed. And there have been really ugly moments where I wished I could wish this pregnancy away. And I still wake up in the middle of the night in panic sometimes, wondering "how am I going to do this? I can't do this." 

The God I love and obey is infinitely loving and patient. Goodness, He is so patient with me, and I feel that loving patience (that I do not deserve) the most in my moments of feeling lost, immature and faithless. The last couple of months has been a constant running conversation like this:

Me: I can't do this.

God: I will help you do this.

Me: I'm terrified.

God: I will never leave you.

Me: I really can't do this.

God: We're doing this now, together.

Before I went to the doctor for the ultrasound, I tried to calculate my due date using one of those calculators online. When that date popped up, that was a life changing, special moment that only God could orchestrate to penetrate my heart.

You see, Olive and Silas were both born the first week of April. Both of my miscarriages would have been due in early January, their due dates within days of each other. My due date for this baby is January 5, 2014. It doesn't sound like much, and maybe it's not as significant to anyone as it is to Matt and I, but in that moment it was like His hands were squeezing my shoulders and He was saying "I have this all under control. I haven't missed one single detail of your life. I've loved and taken care you then, and I will always love and take care of you in the future. You can trust Me."

This morning, before Olive and Silas woke up, I laid in bed trying to hear a heartbeat with my home doppler. I had been trying for days with no luck, trying not worry that something was wrong because the pregnancy is really early yet. This morning, a fast, loud, strong heartbeat came through - 163 beats per minute. I laughed. Then I cried. I am happy.

It's going to be good - scary, probably difficult at times, but good. I believe it.

The drawing up top was done for me by my good friend Lisa, over at My Little Buffalo. She does adorable work! Check her out!

Sometimes Matt Takes Pictures Too.

Tim Coulson and Ryan Marshall are 2 of my favorite photographers, and I am particularly drawn to their pictures of their families. What I love most about those briliant guys' photos of their wives and children is that each one is like a love song. Their pride and love for their families just oozes out of the pixels of each shot. That's a quality that's really important to me in my photographs too. If nothing more, I want each picture to capture just a little of the enourmous love I have for my husband and babies.

A dilemma I often run across is that sometimes I'm a little bummed out that I have hardly any pictures of my kids with me. The camera's always in my hands, so I'm not in pictures very much (which is usually totally fine with me - I've always been a bit camera-phobic and self conscious and very unphotogenic, and whatever) but I want my kids to be able to look back on at least a few pictures of these days that they won't remember so well, (if at all) when they're older and remember me being and playing with them. 

So today I almost cried when I stole Matt's phone while he was pumping gas and scrolled through his iPhone photos and found these sneaky pics he took of me playing with Olive and Silas on the beach. I love them, not because they're perfect or anything, but because when I look at them I feel the love and pride he felt when he took these.

Heavenly Peace

One of my favorite parts of being a mom is watching my kids sleep.

And this is not for the most obvious reason of catching a breather while they catch their z's.

It's those times where I look at them asleep and unaware that I can really sit back and marvel at the miracle of them.

There was a time a long time ago where I was so sure that having children was just not written in God's story for us. We tried such a long time to get pregnant, and then miscarried our first baby. That time period seems all blurry in my mind now, like a dream.

Now here we are with two children and life's fast and dizzying - and I'm convicted in the moments when I watch the children sleep that I need to remember those days before they were. Those days where I felt so sad and anxious.

God is good. His plans are never easy, but they are good.

Just A Little Dr. Seuss

I caught a very sweet moment between my kids the other day, as Olive was "reading" (er, reciting from memory) "Green Eggs and Ham" to her little brother. Silas was so into it too.

It's rare moments like this where I feel like everything is absolutely right in the world and that the future is bright and beautiful, you know what I mean? It's pretty awesome.

Olive Dances

Oh that girl of mine. Our strong wills clash daily (scratch that - hourly,) and she can be quite exhausting, but watching her prance around in her little ballet uniform with so much joy and excitement really melts me. Thank You Lord for blessing me with a little girl. What a privilege and huge responsibility - what a joy!

On Feeling Lovely

Some days go beyond bad hair days. I struggle with self esteem and self confidence. I count it as both my biggest weakness and deepest vulnerability.

But I've come to realize that while I might not be able to change the physical attributes about myself that bother me, I CAN do certain things to bring a sense of well being and confidence - both which lend themselves to making me feel lovely and comfortable in my own skin.

1. Cardio Exercise It's the answer I think no one really likes to hear, including myself, but really - there is no bad mood, no bad hair day, no "fat day," no depression that a good brisk, 45 minute walk can't help. There's a whole lot of scientific explanations about why exercise makes us feel happy, but for me - I feel better after exercising because I know I've done something really good for my body.  It's kind of hard to think negatively about your body when you're actively doing good things for it and treating it right.

2. Nail Polish I used to never wear it, but during my pregnancy with Silas, when nothing fit and my body was just out of control, painting my nails a pretty color made a HUGE difference in how I felt about myself. It gives me a boost, and makes me feel feminine. Try a color that is totally out of your comfort zone. Try something glittery. Try black! It's so much fun, and it really will make you feel lovely.

3. Wear What You Love I'm a housewife, with two littles. One particular little right now, is in that somewhat disgusting 6 month old stage. I get spit up on and drooled on all the time. It's tempting to wear pajamas or sweat pants and a tee shirt 7 days a week, but I know that makes me feel lousy. So I try to dress up even around the house. Who cares if it smells like baby puke before 10a.m. by the end of the day? When I wear what I feel pretty in, I feel happier and more confident during the day. (And luckily, baby puke and drool washes out really well in the laundry.)

4. Lipstick + Blush Two other cosmetics that I used to never use. The right shade of lipstick WILL make you feel lovely. Coral and orange-y shades are my happy colors. And a little dab of blush on the apples of your cheeks never fail to make you look youthful and vibrant - even when you feel anything but! (I recommend Benefit Benetint for blush. It looks so natural and is so easy to apply. Works as a light lip color too!)

5. Fish Oil + Probiotics Sometimes I am really convinced that I feel bad about myself because I don't feel good, period. I have found fish oil and probiotics to be the most beneficial and healthy supplements for me.

6. Make Quiet Time This one is so important to me, a major introvert, who gets exhausted around people - yes, even around my husband and children when it's non-stop and crazy. Time to get out of the house, get a cup of coffee and read a magazine makes me feel refreshed and rejuvenated. It reminds me that I'm not just a diaper changer and drool wiper (I KNOW there's much more to motherhood than that, but you other moms KNOW you have felt like this before!) Times like this are usually when my creative spark is re-lit. Don't feel guilty for needing some quiet time. Make it happen!

Lately

My Dad and I

I am in recovery mode from my week away from home, visiting my family down south. I love my family, and have felt really emotional the last few months as I contemplate how being long distance and other various circumstances have changed a lot of the old dynamics of our relationships. I'm not sure if the new dynamics are necessarily better or worse, but it's all still emotionally draining sometimes. I still sometimes feel like I'm in that weird, difficult transitional period of separating from my family and being my OWN family with Matt, Olive and Silas. Anyhow...

Trying this new "currently" prompt I've enjoyed reading on other blogs that I follow. You can join along by following the link at the bottom of the page.

I am currently...

Feeling: Not good enough. I'm so easily discontented. It's my natural instinct to look at what everybody else has going on and to feel totally worthless and inadequate. Impulses like that are really hard to kill, I'm coming to find, in spite of my best intentions to do so. So I'm trying to get in a better state of mind by focusing on living in the present, being thankful for the blessings God has given me, and making choices throughout the day, EVERY day that promote health and well being.

Drinking: Not enough water, and too much coffee and Coke Zero. (Oh Coke Zero, why do I love you so much? I mean, you're actually kind of gross.)

Looking For: A realtor! I can't believe the time has really come to put this house on the market and move forward with plans to move! Nerve wracking and exciting!

Dreaming of: going on a date with my husband. It feels like we have so little time to just talk and hang out, even though he works from home. Between the demands of his job and the demands of our little ones, we are constantly distracted and exhausted. This is maybe kind of pathetic, but I think I am seriously grieving the loss of freedom that happens when babies come along. Sometimes my mind is screaming at me, "look at you, you're in your 20s, exhausted and covered in baby puke! You're a disaster!"(I am not saying that I regret my kids, I adore them and wouldn't trade them for anything!) But I do get those negative, grieving feelings and I'm struggling to discover the "new me." The me that is in her 20s, covered in baby puke and somehow not a disaster? I don't even know how I got on this rabbit trail you guys. Moving on.

Making: time for exercise and devotions. Because those things never fail to bring me peace of body and peace of mind.

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1. Harvesting Kale 2. Amazing Day 3. Brennans Mom! 4. Sabz @ The Ecle

Tuesdays

Since the middle of August, Olive and I have made it a weekly tradition of heading to the public library early on Tuesday mornings. We have been having the best time. I love watching her fall in love with the whole experience.

My memories of going to the library as a kid are still so vivid. I remember the thrill of really "getting it" for the first time that ALL those books were at my disposal and how rich that made me feel. I remember the pride in owning my first library card, and reading my first thick chapter book by myself ("Little House in the Big Woods" by Laura Ingalls Wilder.) I remember the warm contentment that was going home with a pile of new books from the library and the anticipation of spending a quiet afternoon getting lost in other worlds and other times. I think that's one reason why Betty Smith's "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" has always resonated so deeply with me and has remained my favorite book of all time. That first chapter of the book where she describes the feelings Francie had for her library have always been my feelings. 

I've grown up with the hope and desire that my children will be great readers. So I'm planning on making these Tuesday dates with my 3 year old a tradition that will last until she's graduating from high school. 

Silas and Me

I finally got around to uploading the bajillion-and-two photos that were clogging up my iphone today, and found a bunch of silly self-taken photos of me and my little man.

There really is something so sweet and special about having a boy. Especially when said boy is a major cuddler and giggler. I'm loving every second of his babyhood and am afraid it's flying by much too quickly.

27 Years Ago

Today my parents celebrate 27 years together. I'm really proud of them, and blessed to be their daughter. I love this picture of the 3 of us. Strange that I'm now about my Mom's age in this picture, with a daughter (and son!) of my own!