What We See vs. What Others See

I saw this video on Kelli's blog this evening and had to share. 

Lets Talk About Girlfriends

Me and my best girlfriends - my sisters.

Since moving to Michigan, one of my biggest struggles has been loneliness. I miss my family and I miss my husband's family. I miss my sisters, horribly. I also miss those few, precious-as-rubies girlfriends God gave me in WV. Gosh, do I miss my girlfriends! 

For some reason, we women are weird about girlfriend relationships, aren't we? It is really hard for us to make friends! Yet, we really need friendships with other women - as integrally as we need the love and support of our husbands. Don't get me wrong, Matt is my best friend on earth and I wouldn't have it any other way. But Matt will never be able to really empathize with what I go through during pregnancy and mothering our children, he'll never be interested in having long, deep talks about dealing with the kinds of insecurities and trials only women have to deal with, (and he'll sure as hell NEVER enjoy browsing Anthropologie with me!)

So we're surrounded by women on a daily basis, at school, at playgroups, at church, and at work who are going through the same crap all of us women go through, who wish they had a girlfriend handy to talk it all out with and who are lonely for that awesome, inspiring, fulfilling Anne Shirley/Diana Barry type of bosom frienship - yet for some reason it is still SO hard for women to make friends with other women! And it drives me crazy.

I have a couple of theories about why this is.

1. We're Insecure

I can say from experience, that I have often felt that anxiety driven insecurity of I'm not cool enough to be her friend, or she wouldn't like me when meeting other women. We all deal with insecurities and I know that they are very difficult, complicated things to work through, but I've come to realize it is cruelly unfair to make these kinds of assumptions about people you don't really know. Lets give our fellow women the benefit of the doubt before writing them off as not-befriend-able.

2. We Compare

Why would we feel insecure about being cool enough to be so-and-so's friend? I've learned (from personal experience, mind you, I do these same stupid things,) that the basis for these judgements are usually pretty darn shallow. I'd say the big 3 are beauty, status and confidence.

We see someone who we deem to be prettier than us, and we immediately feel inferior. 

We see someone who appears to be materialistically wealthier than we are and we feel shabby. 

We see someone who exudes confidence in their walk and smile and we feel defensive. 

We then let these insecurities keep us from what could be awesome, meaningful friendships!

It's like the backwards reflection of snobbiness. 

Basically, we can be really big jerks, us women.

I for one would like to stop my brain from bullying myself, and retrain it to love what God made me, so I can shed these darned insecurities and open myself up to love and be loved by other women. 

We really, really need each other, girls!

3. We Make Our Kids Our Whole Lives

This one's going to come off as sounding weird and controversial, but it honestly aggravates me when I try to get to know another girl and all she can talk and think about are her kids. Yes, our kids are extremely precious and important, and as mothers we devote the majority of our lives to unselfishly pouring time, love and effort into them. But I do not want to be one of those moms who lose themselves completely in their role as "mom." I have other names that are just as important to me. I love my kids and my role as "mom" AND I still have other interests, passions and dreams outside my home. 

Bonding over the trials and triumphs of motherhood is a great thing to do in a friendship, but it's ok to bond over other things too. You're not a bad mom if you get excited talking about books, movies, fashion, art, music, etc. You're not even a bad mom if you make a girlfriend "date" to go out to a movie, or out shopping or out for a pottery class, without the little ones!

I think we, as mothers, sometimes even discount our very real need to have deep, meaningful friendships with other women because we have this little guilt complex that we carry in our back pocket that constantly whispers to us "but you're not doing a good enough job at the mothering thing." 

Let's ditch that annoying guilt once and for all, and tell it to never come back! Because just like we'll never be the best mothers we can be if we neglect to take care of ourselves, we're never going to be able to be a good girlfriend if we walk around believing we have nothing to offer.

We all have something to offer in a friendship. We all have lives and stories that need to be shared. And right now, there's another woman out there who desperately needs YOU to be her girlfriend, and chances are good that you really need her too.

Thinking about these things the last month or two, I've realized I've been wasting my time being frustrated with the women around me who I have assumed had no interest in being my friend. Even if they really, truly didn't want to be my friend, that doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. I'm trying to shift my focus from inward to outward, and by that I mean I desperately want to stop worrying about what other people think of me and to start worrying about people. 

Someone who loves other women, and who loves and appreciates the bonding struggles and miracles that only women experience, and who can see the women who are silently crying out for a best girlfriend to share life's ups and downs with because her eyes aren't pointed backwards, towards herself - that's the kind of woman I am aiming to grow up to be.

End rant.

(PS: And make sure you let the girlfriends you have in your life already know how precious they are to you! Great girlfriends are a gift from God!) 

On Feeling Lovely

Some days go beyond bad hair days. I struggle with self esteem and self confidence. I count it as both my biggest weakness and deepest vulnerability.

But I've come to realize that while I might not be able to change the physical attributes about myself that bother me, I CAN do certain things to bring a sense of well being and confidence - both which lend themselves to making me feel lovely and comfortable in my own skin.

1. Cardio Exercise It's the answer I think no one really likes to hear, including myself, but really - there is no bad mood, no bad hair day, no "fat day," no depression that a good brisk, 45 minute walk can't help. There's a whole lot of scientific explanations about why exercise makes us feel happy, but for me - I feel better after exercising because I know I've done something really good for my body.  It's kind of hard to think negatively about your body when you're actively doing good things for it and treating it right.

2. Nail Polish I used to never wear it, but during my pregnancy with Silas, when nothing fit and my body was just out of control, painting my nails a pretty color made a HUGE difference in how I felt about myself. It gives me a boost, and makes me feel feminine. Try a color that is totally out of your comfort zone. Try something glittery. Try black! It's so much fun, and it really will make you feel lovely.

3. Wear What You Love I'm a housewife, with two littles. One particular little right now, is in that somewhat disgusting 6 month old stage. I get spit up on and drooled on all the time. It's tempting to wear pajamas or sweat pants and a tee shirt 7 days a week, but I know that makes me feel lousy. So I try to dress up even around the house. Who cares if it smells like baby puke before 10a.m. by the end of the day? When I wear what I feel pretty in, I feel happier and more confident during the day. (And luckily, baby puke and drool washes out really well in the laundry.)

4. Lipstick + Blush Two other cosmetics that I used to never use. The right shade of lipstick WILL make you feel lovely. Coral and orange-y shades are my happy colors. And a little dab of blush on the apples of your cheeks never fail to make you look youthful and vibrant - even when you feel anything but! (I recommend Benefit Benetint for blush. It looks so natural and is so easy to apply. Works as a light lip color too!)

5. Fish Oil + Probiotics Sometimes I am really convinced that I feel bad about myself because I don't feel good, period. I have found fish oil and probiotics to be the most beneficial and healthy supplements for me.

6. Make Quiet Time This one is so important to me, a major introvert, who gets exhausted around people - yes, even around my husband and children when it's non-stop and crazy. Time to get out of the house, get a cup of coffee and read a magazine makes me feel refreshed and rejuvenated. It reminds me that I'm not just a diaper changer and drool wiper (I KNOW there's much more to motherhood than that, but you other moms KNOW you have felt like this before!) Times like this are usually when my creative spark is re-lit. Don't feel guilty for needing some quiet time. Make it happen!

August Glam Bag Review

Subscription boxes are all the rage right now, and they come in all sorts of varieties. Paper goods, cosmetics, clothing, accessories.. I think the concept is cool. Getting a mystery box in the mail once a month filled with surprises for $10-$20 sounds ridiculously fun.

For my first try at subscription packages I decided to go with My Glam Bag - a cosmetics site that sends out a makeup bag full of sample sized (and a few full sized) goodies in a cute bag for $10 a month. I had read reviews about their company from a few other bloggers, who all had good things to say about them (everyone seemed to agree that the products included in the monthly bag almost always exceed $10 value.)

The experience was totally fun, from filling out the survey style questionaire on the My Glam site about what my cosmetic preferences were, to seeing the shiny purple package in my mailbox.

1. and 2. eclos Moisture Therapy Regenerative Cream and Cellular Activator Facial Serum

I was probably most disappointed by these products, not because they aren't good, but because I don't really use these types of anti-aging creams/moisturizers. Maybe I should? :) The products claim to use plant stem cells to help problematic skin regenerate cells better, improving firmness and dryness.

3. Demeter Roll on Perfume Oil in "Clean Skin" scent

I'm really picky about scents, I always have been. I hate fruity scents and only like certain kinds of florals. This perfume really didn't even smell like a typical perfume, which I kind of like. The smell reminds of me of fresh linen. It's really clean and simple. I liked that it's infused in an oil, rather than alcohol.

4. s.a.l.t.y. Glama-ZOiD Eye Shadow
I wear eye shadow some of the time, mostly in neutral shades that are conservative and easy to wear. (Basically, I love the idea of makeup but have no idea what to do with it or what works for me most of the time, so I stick with easy no-brainers that I know won't make me look like a clown!) This eye shadow appeared white and glittery in the box and I was sure I wouldn't like it, but I was surprised when I applied it that it actually shows up on your eyelid as slightly purple, and is very subtly shimmery and pretty. (Yay for a glittery product that doesn't look trampy!) :)

5. Circus [By Andrea's Choice} Nailpolish in "Spectacle" color

I was pleasantly surprised to receive a full sized nail polish! It's probably ridiculously juvenile for a mother of 2 to be such a nail polish junkie, but guys, I love the stuff. Wearing a pretty nail color just makes me feel pretty and put together, even on my worst days.

The color they sent me is a bit extreme. It's very, very orange. Like, traffic cone orange. I'm not sure I'm cool enough to pull off such a bright color but I'm going to give it a try. It came in such a cute box (I love pretty packaging.)

6. myglam glam gloss [that's a lot of glam.]

This was my favorite product, which is funny because I have never been a lip gloss girl. Not even when I was a teenager did I wear gloss. I never liked the oily feel on my lips, and I never felt comfortable with so much shine. So I was very skeptical of this super bright, Barbie pink gloss that they sent in my bag, but it's actually great. Applied, it's a very soft, subtle pink color and it feels comfortable and moisturizing to wear (not icky and oily.) For a lip gloss, I don't think it's too shiny and attention grabbing, AND it smells amazing. Did I mention this is a full size product? The cost of the lip gloss and nail polish most likely exceed $10 so I think the subscription price was probably a pretty good deal.

You have the option of cancelling your My Glam Bag subscription at any time, but I think I'm going to keep mine going for September. Over all I was impressed with the quality of the items I received and the experience was a whole lot of girly fun. Like I said before, I know so little about cosmetics and am always hesitant to try anything new or out of my comfort zone, so getting these samples is a good way to branch out and try new things without committing to full sized/full priced products.